July 1 and Hollywood in Sept...Haven't we Done this before?

Here it is June 28th....I am determined to have a summer of peace....and have been anything but peaceful to accomplish it!
Alexa had prom,graduation,enrollment in Cosmetology and a new car....she started to whimper about trading in Bob's Sport - which has no condom airbags...saying, "but  I feel like I'm trading DAD!" Well that soon changed on driving her new Yaris....she put Bob's army/golf beaniebaby (Bob had a collection of toys I'm finding,scattered with golf tees and jolly ranchers everywhere) on the mirror.....she's working 2 jobs, going to school and learning to work out and eat right...
Connor - dealing and not....on going process....wonderful friends....their parents all involved and as oppressive as me...thank God.

Me! Going to put together my own Challege for Hollywood...,my weight is ok..but I'd take 5 lbs down for Santa Monica standards...but I thought I was ok 10lbs heavier too, so not stressing weight...BUT going to get MORE into juicing and cooking and imposing it on the kids!!!!!

More to come....and learning to knit Yoga socks....I may get rich yet!!!!!

Here are some pics of graduation and Reunion at GCU.......as we plod ahead....

Prom princess off to work the next daySuit came off the second he could get away with it!

Who would've thunk it.....

With Nanna Nancy..No one mistakes my mom for anyone else's mom....wonder why????At lunch after graduation!

Storm blew up,but the meaning of the light in the storm kinda grabbed me,being menopausal and mourning and all that!

Rose and me with the daughters we dreamed of having all  those years ago....

The 3 Paris-Jr Year Abroad girls...on scholarship,poor but plucky, they accepted all 3 of us...and we done good!!!!

With fellow Paris girl Mary,now a knitter and manager of the geniuses at Genetic Alliance (check them out on Youtube)....re acquainting me with the healing creative energies in textiles!!!!

Me and Alexa, on the Ferry home...

A Rush of Friends, and Church becomes Live....

The kids sleep in...Mom and I rock each other and cry.....we've been here before....

The kids wake up...They see my face...Connor walks out and publishes on Facebook," Robert A. Schmitt, RIP, may you find lots of golf and beer in heaven Dad,"......Alexa is calm, how can she possibly accept or process this loss...she's been his Princess all her life...they had something really special, and stuck up for each other....this will take years.

We go to lunch,we laugh,and return home to teenage boys and their moms, women I've seen in passing, at our door....I expected to be alone.....and their open hearts melt me........the boys are soon shooting hoops....neighbors arrive with food, the Mormons show up with flowers, food and offers of help...the Chapel shows up offering sympathy and shoulders...

I've always been alone......I'm not anymore.....

We will have a service for Bob, Mark and Jen will do a video....I am seeing a holiness in people I never saw before.....I am seeing God in losing Bob....

His sister, my dad and his family are all coming for the memorial....

Bob's golf buddies are shocked....they expected he'd be back to work.....

May 7th....always a reliable soldier....Bobby was about 6 months on the dot...

So this ends my Blog of Cancer.....now we know how it turned out.....The memorial I will get uploaded here as soon as I figure out HOW - simply because our passionate chemistry explodes off the photos! When Bob and I were in a room, no one else WAS, so great was our powerful attraction....so you all will have to have a peak...

Grieving - there are lots of sources, I"m not going to journal my walk in grief...nor detail the influx of the hundreds of cards we are to receive (writing this in June now!), nor the mourning of a town, a community, a neighborhood or a family who lost someone too young....

And a word.....one of the Docs told me, its just not fair....and in this I sadly disagree....

Bob came by this honestly... he smoked and drank for years,in his "Pre-Mish years" as he called them  and in his own words , "didn't CARE to live a long life..."  not realizing that one day he WOULD care, and would have a life he cherished.......I am a better nurse/fitness/yoga teacher  for this...and I tell that to people.....don't write yourself off too soon.....life might surprise you and GET REALLY GOOD one day.......Be healthy and READY for it!!!!!

Here's me a few days before Bob's diagnosis,worried about him,but made him take some pix in one of Val's T-shirts for her web site....Looking fit and healthy.....less than 6 months later....as the WIFE of a man with cancer, I had to take this picture as I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror:

The picture of what cancer does to those left...I wouldn't be honest if I didn't show you how I looked in the days following Bob's death......

And at Alexa's graduation,feeling the empty seat beside me..but knowing Mom and the kids are with me, and we are still alive.

God's Grace and Peace Everyone........

May 7th...the end.....

Writing this on May 9th, publishing it later.....

He was mottled and coughing loosely on Friday morning....took the kids to school and called palliative care, "Its over, what do I do?!" She took over, and they said they would have us taken care of in hours....then Dr.P called, said to bring him in to ER..they would scan, if this is "just chemo" we'd treat the hell out of it...if the cancer was unchanged, we'd go to hospice or home tonight....

In ER....folks gathered...the chest xray was catastrophic...was it fluid? Blood? Cancer? The ER doc said, "who the Fuck knows..." I appreciated her bluntness...truly, her sorrow was on her face as well.....
Doc P offered to dump in blood, fluid, bipap.....I asked, if the chemo is still working, it will destroy the blood right? And he's not clotting now....he interjected, "michelle, he might be terminal..." I smiled....I knew that....I knew he was trying to buy time for me....but I've been grieving for months....
ICU called, said to drop everything and send us up.....
My friends hug me, cry with me....Bob's last words....
"is there room for MIsh?" I lunge into the bed and pull him to my heart...."OH my Beloved!!!!! Mish is right here and will hold you here forever!"
He smiled and drifted off, murmuring...oh what an adorable child he must've been, " Well good...because she's my LIFE"........I nod to Michael who pushes IV morphine and I whisper, "let the medicine work Beloved....you are on that golf course overlooking the River.....where you made the hole in one and your first thought was making love to me...remember???? I think your Dad is there ready to t off and Mikey wants to learn....oh what fun you will have today...take yourself there and I'll have your back and manage things here ok"......his eyebrows lift and he smiles as I talk....then he takes a quick breath of surprise as though he's really seeing something wonderful.....Oh God, please EXIST. Please have a heaven and let him be with all the loved ones we've lost.....so many gone Lord...Please EXIST...Please show me you exist!"


I drift off to sleep exhausted, my mind still working......my inner Michelle speaks to me...."you already have seen Him....this experience has show HIm to you all along....his kingdom is within all you've lived through this year..."  


Mike joins me, strong soldier, loving man....and Bob quietly died.......

I don't stay and hug and kiss that body....that cancer filled shell is not Bob.... I join my colleagues at the desk to get myself together to go home to the saddest day of my kids' lives.....

The phone rings, the Lions' organization....a deep voiced man expresses his condolences....then states, "But Mrs. Schmitt, I am pleased to inform you that in a few hours two people will have phone calls letting them know that their lived of blindness are over..."   I got chills, and a rush of comfort...so many people feel "wierd" about their eyes...not realizing they get plucked out/sewn shut or burned....but Bob's would light the way.......Unexpectedly......through fulfilling his wishes....I receive comfort......

I finally leave to go home....the sun is coming up....and I finalize the next plan....
I am donating Bob to medical science......if someone learns something...maybe all this isn't for nothing......

Maybe this all wasn't for nothing.........


Feeling part of a greater sisterhood of women who have been widowed,  I pick up what's left and begin the ride home......

Easter,Late April....and the gentle breezes arrive...and I lose it.

Mom called me into her room..."Mishy, I'm starting to think he might not make it!" I smile...."I told you months ago Momma, its going to get him..there's faith, and hope, and then there's small cell cancer..."

Bobby isn't coming back mentally...and I am so happy.  He is thrilled to be next to me, wants tiny snacks and to nap.

We went for Chemo this week.....maybe this one will be the one to take down Satan....or will it take my Beloved down.....

The multiple myeloma man is there today too....he is now wheelchair bound and so intense is his sadness/pain,discomfort, he doesn't make eye contact...his wife is decades older now and her perky walk long gone...Bob is on a walker with me holding firm to the back of his pants, my trained rehab nurse experience keeping him upright...we nap through chemo as always.....3 days.....and the full strength neulasta shot......

But his week.....his wbcs are gone...the neulasta didn't bring them back...no wonder he didn't suffer...his bone marrow is too beaten....I haul him on my back to the chair to sit up awhile then haul him outside to sit awhile...

Then Bob took the notion he HAD to get up to his bed....so I walk up stair by stair with him, he is ataxic, he lists from side to side...his breathing is labored...oh what an idiot I am......we are one step from the top....he stops....starts to slide down, I grab and hold him up as my bone on bone shoulders SCREAM in pain...."Bobby, you MUST get up that stair love, you MUST"  He says feebly, "Can't do it hon,just let me sit here...."
I yank him up, "Bobby, listen, you CANNOT lay on the stairs...just ONE MORE honey please...come on  I will help you...ALEXA! CONNOR! I need your help!!!!"
The kids come running,we surround him and he refuses to budge, "I am not going to ...I CAN"T" he says with a surprising force......I enRAGE with a fury that his most insistant fight of the past months has come to " I can't, I won't!"  I lose all sense of sanity and BELLOW AT Him....
"You get up NOW...get up that stair now!!!!! You go down now and you go to hospice, do you GET IT!!!!! I can give you all I am and all I have but I CANNOT GIVE you the WILL!!!!! "  In horror, I hear my voice break as tears once again blind me,my voice begins to drop to a stammering gasping sob........"I can't make you live!!!! I can't MAKE you live! I'm trying ...and I can't Make you live!!!!" I stop myself......I am the most loathesome human on earth....I have hollered at my beloved....he can't......so I WILL.....

The kids and I pull him up and I load him onto my back with a kid on each side and slowly bring him back downstairs where Mom appears... 5'2 with bad joints,she wordlessly heaves half of him onto herself and tsks at me, "about time you let something out honey, he doesn't have our life force, but not for your lack of willing it to him."  There's no comfort...I deserve all the pain that life has to give....I don't deserve to live....I deserve all of this and more......go ahead God...I don't blame you....
Bob meanwhile gratefully accepts being tucked in and I blanket my body over his...he says, "You see? I just needed to be up here in my own bed." He snuggles happily and pats my bottom...."just you and me...Bob and Mish....perfection".....no worse for my ranting, he blissfully drops to sleep with a smile....

Home from ICU,cyberknife and round 5 of chemo.This picture makes me shudder..WHY won't this MONSTER BACK DOWN AND LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!!!!

It took me and Mom to haul him from the bed to the chair,and we fill him with anything he wants.Mandy does not leave his side and keeps trying to lick the right side of his abs...as his belly swells, and I see his lfts,despite the chemo and drugs....I know this monster is taking over...and Mandy knows it too and has pinpointed the spot.....

Spring at last,the dogs are vigilant around Bob....The yard is cleaned up,the house in repair....debt paid off in time to pay the thousands in co-pays coming our  way....

Peace and comfort..I will keep him thus. He will not suffer.....I think we will not do more chemo....Can't be without melding myself into him for long...how I still get goosebumps next to him!

The War on Japanese Beetles,and House fixup

Mandy,burrowed here between Bob's legs....often licking his tummy, his chest and his head...She smells the cancer and stays at his side...see the look in this little creature's eyes....she KNOWs.....

What is it about Spring or a husband with a terminal illness that drives a woman to clean......oh that's right....my income will be slashed by 1/3 if Bob poops out.....so massive removal of all trees and shrubs that have fostered my war against Japanese Beetles for 10 years! I used natural methods, milky spore, ground up beetle carcasses mixed with beer and sprayed on...only to find them fornicating in front of me and flying at me when I broke down, masked up and began a Holy War ( oh wait, that's right, the Lord wouldn't even fight them with me) and sprayed them...and they attacked me....now I've beaten them by taking away every plant they liked! HA!

Alexa is now set to go to Community College or Cosmetology.....I think more and more, a year to learn a trade, something that is fun, that she will enjoy and find success with will be good for her, and she can go on to regular college with that under her belt.....Frieda is so tough a taskmaster, but good for Alexa to learn discipline and grow up  with a great mentor....

Connor is a worry, but the men around him at school are keeping him involved.....he is so intelligent....he doesn't talk much, but he snapped at me recently and said, "I don't think if Dad was in his right mind,he'd like being your pet rock mom!"

We now have a hospital bed...he is just being taken down by the chemo, by the toxins of the small cell, I know now, we don't have time.....so every SECOND is delicious! I love caring for him...washing him, his face lighting up when I enter the room, his being soothed with oils and lotions I rub on his beautiful skin.

And despite the cyberknife, despite the steroids....he is losing appetite and weight.

And any ancient nurse will tell you....God is coming in and drawing him Home.....

April, ICU, and a birthday to forget......

More chemo....worse every round....the man who started with us is now staggering on a walker...Bob walked in leaning heavily on me.....how do these nurses DO IT?
Susan replied, "Because in the long term,we see miracles of healing too"......
To the ER......anemia, low K, Afib, unstable.... to ICU...his pal, elderly golfer post op is two doors down.
As the weekend progresses, Bob becomes more confused....Dr.B shows up Monday..."he needs an MRI"..... I know this....he should've plucked up sooner....I work while he's in my unit, caring for his pal...they are both confused,yet remember the other is in the hospital and decide they should visit.....I fuss at both of them "Can you imagine such a thing?" I scold, "you two boneheads bumping around the ICU,asking the secretary for a beer, and falling on your asses!"  I gave them grapes which spewed all over the unit, and we squashed them under our sneakers for days......Bob built a pyramid with is...R stuffed them in his ekg wires.....

The MRI showed that despite crani and the whole brain radiation, Satan was back in the frontal lobe.....

My co-workers sent me to the lounge, and my dear friend A, sat with me as I worked through the next step.....It's over......

I called palliative care who was going to see about hospice.....

Mustering all my strength, I kiss him as he's moved to the regular floor and  I go to teach yoga class......" I'll be loving you my love..." he replies, "Forever is as far as I"ll go...."......

I get to Yoga....my cell phone has 5 calls....

Norfolk - its our nurse...."michelle, we've seen the scans...don't move to hospice yet...Doc thinks we can treat..."
Its our Onc on call doc, thrown into this, "Michelle,Norfolk thinks they can help, and hey, you know the end game here....but maybe if it buys him some sanity and quality time with you and the children....I'll transfer him tonight..."
Norfolk again, "We're accepting in medical Onc....insurance giving a hassle, wants it outpatient...."

I blow a gasket......his brain herniating AGAIN , BOARD certifying docs saying they can TREAT.....and OUTPATIENT!!!!! I threaten to sue insurance for 100 million (and start planning all I'd do for my hospital if I won...a pool, a wellness program...I'd pay off EVERYONE's mortgage who was nice to me....).....

And then I went and taught yoga class!  Then Max gets a UTI and I have to change his food.....and he's not happy/.

So it goes....and Bob goes to Norfolk, more IV steroids and mapping begins and they move quickly as time is ticking and Satan is growing and having a grand old time.....

I pull up the scan at home thanks to help from Norfolk...there HE is again, mocking me......I want to scream at it, "Leave him ALONE!!!!!"  


I get to Norfolk and we watch hours of Law and Order....his weight is falling again....this isn't good.....

Connor's grades are falling. I cannot cope with that right now....he is going to have to cope with far worse.....it is coming....

My workouts are weaker...I hold onto things to lunge back and give myself 40 minutes with VAl and our gang (in my mind) to escape the reality of life....

But OH HOW EVEN SWEETER it is at night to be hugged close to my darling and feel his breath on my shoulders.....Nothing unsaid.....we loved each other completely in spite of our thoughtlessness at times.... the underlying understanding of complete acceptance was ours.....

I feel sorry for the world tonight to not be in my shoes....I feel complete and loved and I know I love deeply....is there another woman on earth luckier than me right now????

And the vegan thing is working...finally lost the last 8lbs....11 in fact on some days..

And winter continues....

The crocuses peeped out and dove back in..this winter is from NJ to be sure...not our genteel Southeastern Va coast throughs...

4 years and nearly 9grand saved to take Alexa to see Europe after graduation and Recherche ma vie perdue.....ok....not this year....but maybe reunion at GCU? Or maybe not....Maybe a cookout? Maybe not....

By the time I put this on the blog, the story will have told itself...I wish I knew the outcome....

Cyberknife is done...Poof....Bob's limp is gone...

I have a bench in the waiting room where I nap while he's being nuked...We passed a scarecrow looking,obvious lung cancer man outside, O2 tank off as he toked on a cigarette.....through his TRACH! I wanted to kick him over...really I did and then kick his face for his stupidity and nerve to show up for TREATMENT that isn't going to work!! Turns out he WAS turned down for expensive treatment due to his non compliance...I softened...but as I started to drift off to my nap, I hear him sputtering and wheezing into the waiting room, toxic nicotene schmutz spewing from the hole in his neck.....I bolt up and GLARE at Heaven.....Inside I RAGE at God...."OH NO YOU DON'T!!!!!!!!! YOU get him OUT of here NOW!!!!!! I have HAD it with you Lord - and this is the LAST STRAW!!!!!! I don't care HOW You do it, but send relief NOW!!!!"  Smugly laid down on our pile of coats.....
"Excuse me, Mr.Trach-Cancer Man? I'm so sorry, but our whole brain radiation machine is down!!! We have to re-schedule you for tomorrow!"
My eyes bolt open......I sheepishly cast mine eyes to the heavens...."Wow, that was fast!  Well.....thanx God!"


Meanwhile, having progressed right to acceptance, mourning and sorrow in the Grief progression....I also have taken up bargaining...my Jewish friends know that if God is nagged enough, implored enough, beseeched enough....hey,he can change his mind and have some mercy...so I"m off to bargain...

I've not been eating right...my weight dropped and I"m tasting metal in my mouth...so I"m going to go real healthy on the anti cancer diet (since Bob won't buy off on it, I'll do it for him)...and give up, not just chocolate for Lent, but ALL animal products....THEN , in light of my supreme sacrifice...God will cure Bob.....and fix Haiti too (as long as he's at it!).....

In moments of clarity, I see this is ridiculous, but at the moment, it makes sense....

Mom is knocking herself out cooking for him and thank God she is here......she is doing all for him so I can work....and he's been as sweet and docile as can be....he doesn't play piano or read now....but snuggles with me, watches TV and doesn't seem as stir crazy as I feared.....

Its now almost April...the whole brain radiation should be reaching its full effect and the cyber kicking in....he's not going to work again....I can see that.....he may never really even play golf again....and he never would want that....except, he's changing now...he's still Bob, but childlike in many ways...moments of his old sharp mind...but ......its amazing how much I don't mind the increasing needs he has....never knew the strong power of love...and he still gets it.....

Cyberknife,killer of cancer, God's machine.

Bobby as he begins treatment to Kill the mother fu**ers.And they really are that.

Rehydrating, and poof, his limp is gone.

With Kia, OncNurse who runs the show,our beacon of hope and encouragement.God lives in this girl...in so many people I am finding.

A break in Winter,Bob is thrilled to have completed all radiation and shoots hoops with Connor, and eats a big Mexican dinner....GREAT - just as I've gone VEGAN and have to eat MUSHROOM Quesadillas....ick....

But right now, Today......life is goodllllllTo hell with tomorrow right?

The Long Winter

It is historically cold and blustery.  That is cheery to us! Bob says he's so relieved because he'd be missing playing and the guys would be looking for him to work more if it was warm......hmmm, the boy is a bit dim...but Talisha said chemo makes people go out of their minds....so I'll take it in stride......

2nd chemo - neulasta and one week later, Bob is on the floor in the bathroom ,and in that intimidating voice, won't let me call 911.....I finally get the car and pull it up to the door, Jen, my lovely neighbor, out for almost a year with horrible back surgery results, calls over, "what's going on?!" And before I can protest, she is at my door.

We drape Bob over our shoulders - me with to cartilage, her with no lower back, and she declares, "Its Ok Bob, Buddy we Got ya!" In his weakness and and confusion, Bob looks down at us and gives a withering, "Oh Great...."
We scrape him into the car and I take off.

Hours later, he is rehydrated, electrolytes replenished, IV antibiotics infusing.....Because we are there, Doc P has him rescanned.....I raise an eyebrow on hearing "spots on liver" and spot on mediastinum.....that mediastinum was NEVER visible in CT scan, and in theory should've been "exquisitely sensitive" to chemo, not so large that it is now visible!!! Doc P said the liver things might've always been there and grew in the lapse of treatment from Dec.-Jan....but the thing in the chest.......no matter, he looks better, my wonderful colleagues surround us....and we are going home - and he is getting a port...

Dr.T, my long time friend, is the surgeon...he recognizes Bob's name from the course....he is filled with compassion when Bob won't take his wedding ring off....He promises to run it up to me in ICU himself....He comes in to ICU walks directly to me and hugs me with a knowing that I well understand in his eyes....I wearily smile, "hey, it ain't over till its over right?" And he gets it,straightens up and says, "that's IT! We're pressing on..."

Press on......this dance of loss......Oh, I am having moments of great delusion and hope! Maybe this time next year all will be hooting at me for being so dismal...Oh may it be so!!!!!

Meanwhile...in this longest Williamsburg Winter,.....We had snow! A Hell of a snowstorm!!!! And no plows...none....

Weeping will endure a Night,but Joy cometh in the morning....

No time for such nonsense... We have PET scan in Hampton today....MRI and CT have failed to show where Satan is lurking...this insane miracle of science will show the way...

We see Doc Brain Surgeon on the way who takes out the sutures himself and marvels at how Bob's brain re-expanded from herniation - quite frankly, it amazed me too.....after that stop,we continue down the peninsula to Careplex...oddly, I have more attention from Bob than I"ve had in 10 years, and when I blot reality out, I enjoy every second....

Yeah....there it is....cells in the mediastinum...for some reason it didn't seed in the lungs....but likely Satan started there...the only treatment is Carbo/cisplat with etoposide.....to begin soon with trips to Norfolk to kill the other in his head..

1/12 - we meet Susan the nurse...we meet another man starting treatment for myeloma....I pull up the recliner next to Bob, and as he eats through Chemo, I sleep soundly...Groggily ask him "is it cured now?"


By Friday, he is done with 9 hours of infusions...he gets the neulasta shot...
The weekend he thrashes with excruciating bone pain.....I finally get him to take percocet and every thing I can think of...I rub his legs until my shoulders scream, then make coffee,for I must be at work....

No matter....

By following week he is up enough....to go to Norfolk.....

We are always tired and both napped while waiting for the doc to come in. And as hair appeared on the pillow, in the shower, I took him for the chemo cut....We're looking a bit rough these days....

Eat,drink and sleep, for tomorrow we may...well, let's skip that part!

Back to 200lbs by 12/29...We meet Dr.C who maps out Bob's brain and is stunningly optimistic....Bob brings books to stay at the resort by the fire...No one says anything....in fact I am told the members and workers "like him there." He sinks a couple puts...he shoots a couple hoops with Connor is his warm spurt pre-New Years....

New YEARS EVE!  For the first time in my life, my goal is to get the year over with. I am sad to think that 2010 is going to be awful...maybe it won't be...SOMEONE has to be the 20 percent who manage to eeek out a year with small cell!  Oh how I wish for that 90 percent breast CA stat! Well, no matter.....I take Bob for his first whole brain....he emerges minutes later.."Is it all gone yet?" I ask...and the whole room cracks up..
I have a good NYE at work, I like my patients, and go home feeling encouraged and have a heart to heart with God, as for the first time in 2 weeks I"m not rocking with sobs and grief...
I squirm thinking of the year ahead..."Now God, listen, Bob has work to do, amends to make, bridges to repair with his older boys, he has young ones to mentor at the club, our little ones to parent -what will Alexa do without him, how willConnor grow in patience and work ethic".......I begin to feel a wash of lonliness and panic as I approach Longhill Rd.
"GOD - are you LISTENING!He is such a good man, don't take him SO QUICKLY -let him have more time....listen...tell you what....I will live your word every day, I won't be so impatient I'll help him everyday.....PLEASE!"
I start to rock, my stomach burns so I can't sit up at the wheel, "Please! I don't FEEL Your presence, where ARE you?!!!! Please help me to make it right!!! Please show me what you want me to do!!!!"
I get off at Monticello....the tears blind my way and I impatiently wipe them and try to see the traffic light...."GOD! I accept your punishment for all I"ve ever done wrong, but PLEASE don't make him suffer!!!! SHOW ME THE WAY...PLEASE!" I turn into our neighborhood and pull into the driveway and collapse on the seat next to me gasping..."PLEASE Father, I promise I'll be good, I'll do ANYTHING you want...Please PLEASE!!!!"
No longer even knowing what I"m praying FOR, I fold over in the seat crying , "Please Father, I'll be good, I PROMISE I'll be good..."

Christmas 12/17 -12/30

I am back to work - nothing like ICU to feel alive again.

I am a nurse.

Before wife,mother,daughter...I am a nurse...was born to be one.It recalls me to life, and is brought me back to life this weekend. My co-workers surround me with concern and empathy that uplifts me and encourages me to to press on.

I have work to do. Life goes on, and with the comfort of my peeps, I will pretend to be part of life until I am whole again.

  I go to yoga on this day inbetween my week-end shifts and teh screaming knots and joint aches are blissfully stretched and rubbed out of me in the heat of hotyoga.

Bobby is left with his pills and cell phone...I now break the rules and keep mine in my pocket to await his text messages that he has them down and is ok...

12/24 - Bob's older sons talk to him...he breaks down with each call.

12/25 - Bittersweet quiet Christmas...we had our big dinner Christmas Eve and hit NIne - the worst movie ever.....then a nap on the couch...

We get unexpected wonderful news...Optima has agreed to let Bob get whole brain radiation in Williamsburg at the Riverside building....Norfolk has accepted Bob's case for cyberknife radiation of the remaining tumors to begin late January.

With a knowing of the heart I call Dr.K after Christmas.....

Bob has Small Cell Cancer.....the worst of the lung cancers, and lung cancer being among the non-fair cancers like melanoma,pancreatic,glioblastoma - its fast, malicious, and never plays fair.....

I ask..." 6 weeks then?" He says "oh no......average is 6 months....but since he doesn't have disseminated disease that we've found, he might by more time...."

I count down....June 11, will be 6 months since diagnosis....but really, Bob was sick in November...the weight loss blatent by Thanksgiving...

In my heart, I am thinking, "I am going to be a widow by May,"......
Rapidly TOSS THAT to the back of my brain and cheerfully go back into the family room, "Well we got a name, its oatcell and is VERY receptive to chemo!"  That was no lie...small cell reacts to chemo...because its so rapid in dividing and conquering, it crumbles initially.....and comes back with a vengeance....I know all this....I will not ever say this.....

BECAUSE!!!! Today, we are healthy enough, we have a warm house, a nice day for a walk, Bob got to hang out and read at the club....warm food in our stomachs....

Today looks pretty darn good!

So strong,sexy,can he beat this!!!

December 16th

We awake....aline comes out, he's up to the bathroom where I wash him up and he quips that he wants these steroids gone so he can love up his hot wife agan!!! I chuckle and help him shampoo and shave...he examines his face, leaned out to model thinness and handsome even with the gauze headband on....he looks at himself with some pride and ego and grins down at me, "Now,with these steroids, am I going to have a moonface?" I nod, "Yup, and likely 20 more lbs too!" He scowls...." And I"m going to lose my hair?"

oh deception,thy name is bob, how about worrying about your life, not your looks?

"yeah, you're going to be a fat, bald, moonface"..... I wrap my arms around him and we shufffle out of the bathroom and I tuck him back in, plop next to him and turn his face to me, looking at him with the look that always meant he was going to get "lucky"...and said, "Guess, I never told you before....but I get really turned on by bald,moonfaced men fighting cancer!".....

He laughs out loud, my heart swells with joy and bursts with love, he hugs me tight, tears brimming and he whispers in my ear, "God, I LOVE YOU MISH..... I LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH....You are MY LIFE".......

Well, we gather our wits soon as he realizes he hasn't had breakfast.... I remind him that he HAS.....but I am soon off searching for more food as he is moved back to the Cancer floor....

I go home and stop at the Y to work out.....I've lost a few pounds this week....I do Val's workout....and I"m so tired, I can easily pretend I'm in Brentwood, at Progym, with MB next to me...and a day of healthy eating and yoga and workouts ahead.....the Y has become a place to escape real life for an hour....

I get the kids at 3 and they are filled with news that the whole school prayed for Dad, and I give them the "wonderful" news that Dad's brain is back and we have a known cancer to fight , (please God, let it not be small cell)...

We go to Ukrops for food and as always,the kids visit with Lisa in the food aisle who tears up hearing that the "nice tall, handsome man" is sick...the kids get free pizza and we go upstairs to do our people watching,goofing at people and its bizarre, less than one week ago,we were clueless.....our lives were blissfully mundane.....now all is over....and a new life begins....

Thursday morning...phone rings at 7am...its DocK - stayed with me into the night that first night, went home and slept 3 hours and was back at my side....I see God in Cancer docs....especially that man..."your boy is good to go!"

Dropped the kids at school, hit the Y for workout and shower...then down to Careplex...tears and sobbing persist...but I buck up.....and get in there....I hug Jill and her Dad...and tell her I will never forget how she was there with me in literally the darkest night of my life...and I"ve had some dark nights! The nurses greet me with smiles that mask that Nurse-look "Poor thing, we know the poor prognosis, let her have a good day,"....I dismiss their looks, I know more than any of them.....I am older and have been around more than any of them....I KNOW the prognosis.....no matter what Dr.K says...I KNOW....but you know what....today looks pretty darn good!!!

Bob dresses himself, and I bubble up with joy as he matches his socks, and shoes, and he now has vision to shave himself, both sides of his face....he sputters over AIG and anti trust laws that were not enforced, rallies with loathing about Sarah Palin, and bemoans the fall of Tiger......his mind, his emotions are all back.

I drive him home and he asks to stop at the golf course....I pull the car over....."Bobby, we thought we'd lose you a couple days ago....you have a family that needs to see you honey....I'll take you later, but right now, you have to have a heart and think of what we've endured as well...." He is taken aback and his face looks stricken....he is in denial..he doesn't want to know that this is all real.....and ...he doesn't need to ..."

Suddenly getting it....I say, " you know what? Lets drive around and have a look to make sure its still there"....he says, "no, you're right" .....we compromise and take a whizzing drive around and get off at the marina and breathe in the good air blowing in from the James....."Ok, let's go see the kids....and get some food..."

We come home to a house filled with delicious smells, Mom is cooking and greets him with spoonfuls of things to taste..

His weight, 200lbs for 20 years had plummetted in 3 weeks to 185, but with the steroids he is up to 191,...The kids arrive home from school with laughter and hoots...the dogs encircle and cry with happiness...

Perfection.......This man has given me moments of perfection......and though the past days are filled with breathsapping coughing fits of agonizing grief...they melt from my memory,knowing I will always remember this joyous homecoming, and the fact that I have a happy family, all together, having dinner, today.....is there anymore than today anyway?

Into the night December 15-16th....

I wake up at 4am to the noisy Careplex getting lab work and starting to prepare for change of shift at 7.

Bobby awoke during the 4am blood work, and after the nurse left, he gazed at me with that kind,piercing to my soul look that melts me and makes my heart pound - even now...."Hey tumbleweed, get over here,"  so lucid, so bright, how MUCH his brain had deteriorated, and now MUCH it has recovered without that tumor..."  I obediently jump up and crawl into bed next to him - wires and all, and breathe in his skin, still sensual, warm and STILL makes me want to meld myself into him...."Whatcha want my beloved?"......he doesn't make eye contact with me, and I see tears brimming in his eyes, oh god why..WHY  - WHY make him sad......damn you god......"What is it beloved, I'll make it better, you know that..."    "Mish.....If I somehow screw this all up.....if I don't pull it off...."  He swallows, I cannot speak....just look at him and pray for the ability to wipe away this sadness.....he whispers, "I want you to live our dream.....got it? LIVE OUR DREAM..."


"But Bobby - THIS is my dream, lying next to you, sleeping beside you, YOU are the only dream I ever had....."

He would hear none of it....."Live our dream, you and the kids....ok? Promise me..."


I nod...."I promise."He drifts off to sleep..........

Making sense of these past 5 days....

Tiger Woods turns out to be a complete promiscuous asshole to begin with.No doubt about it.

Bob had a large cancerous tumor removed from his brain.....there are 3 more.....he has to mount a fight against it and by the grace of God, we can have some time for more love, laughter, food, friends, and the blessed ordinary divinity of life.

I met Bob several times before I met him....at a trade show ...withdrawn, fingers strumming with nerves...smoking.....devastatingly handsome though.....the next time at a horrible company event...I was always alone, didn't fit in with the yuppies - I worked with the old guys in International Operations....I didn't do drugs, I did yoga....I sat alone waiting for the night to end when Bob appeared and asked me to dance....he taught me to jitterbug, and then didn't let me go...we slow danced to Alabama's Forever is as Far as I'll go.....and I felt his heat matching mine...then he chucked my chin and left me......irrationally in love, bewildered,and hurt.....feelings he'd evoke in me for years to come....

A year or so went by, and he helped me field a phone call...I raced to his desk...in a blue school marm dress that made me look very modest,but showed every hard one curve...he was in a dark 3 piece suit...he glanced up...then did a double take...and I blushed....he sat back and our eyes met with the instant of knowing a change in the heart....

Time Froze....

Could anyone see what was happening??? Cataclysmic smashing of of two souls...forever being joined...and we don't even know each other...this doesn't happen in life.....but it was happening.....and there was no going back...

Imbedded in my brain are the 3 years that followed...life became frenetic activity of professional corporate life, life on the town in NYC with men of all ages appearing at my desk, my gym, traveling....seeming to have it all....but reality was, all I wanted was to be with HIM, life just was a waiting game until I saw him again...I don't even believe in being in love....and yet....here it was....I was addicted and consumed with passion for the possibility of a life of love and purpose...not just money and consumption....

He alone didn't blink when I sold my alfa romeo and said I was going to quit yuppy life and be a nurse....

We got each other....not alot in common, we got each other.....I knew that this was going to end in likely loss....he had that air in him....

I didn't care.

I would give all to be with him forever.

I have never lost that feeling.

Bob taught me to love, that along with passion,there lies compassion, putting aside one's own phobias and hangups to come through for your loved one....He did that for me with his aversion to blood,hospitals and medicine...he stuck with me through the birth of 2 babies and miscarriage....He taught me patience, to shut my mouth and respond with kindness not hostility....to go to work and do a good day's work for the sake of the work, not for advancement....to be a good soldier....

He defeated cigarette smoking only when he became septic with pneumonia in 1999...I promised him I'd move mountains to give him a life of golf and ease if he quit for 6 months....he did.... and I kept my word.

I'm glad I kept my word....he became a truly happy man. I found the extended family I always longed for in my hospital and community of Williamsburg....big insight that what you do selflessly ends up giving the best selfish reward!!!

He plays piano by transposing guitar chords in his MIND as he plays, he is a single digit handicapper at golf....

He is tall,dark,quiet,strong, gentle, handsome,sexy,funny, generous, and intelligent.

He is my Beloved.

2010 will bring him the fight for his life for as long as he wants to fight.

Deep inside, I want to do EVERYTHING to keep him with me as long as I can.....

But Bob taught me that life doesn't work that way...and I will fight with im and have his back this whole journey....I will love him,comfort, honor and keep him for as long as he lives...and when the end comes, Thy will be done....and he will not know pain, he will not suffer....Thank you God and Nursing - I can do that....I will do that...

Dear God, give me the strength to accept your will.........but I must sleep now.....

A night of bliss,sore joints,and pouring of words....

I go to seek out Jill and hug her as Bob sleeps....she tells ICU that I'm from the Burg, can asses him better than anyone, and won't be a problem..ie, I may stay with him in the room that night....we have open visitation in Williamsburg,but from what I've seen of THIS bunch of families, I well understand the restrictions!!!

I return to his room,its around 2200 pm..He is sitting up munching a bisquit from chickfila - gift from the nurses he has charmed as they share THEIR dinners with him....beside that, a hospital tray of meatloaf and more bisquits and butter....He perks up, "HI Hon!They say my diet can be advanced as tolerated!" The nurse looks at me sheepishly, "we tried to convince him to stick to jello and applejuice for 12 hours...but he was soooo hungry!!" I wave her aside, and drop onto my Bobby's chest, "ANYthing he wants.." and a silent word to God, "he KNOWs me....Thanks God..."

Looking at the munching man, I have to ask, "Doll, give it to me,year, President, etc," With biscuit still in his mouth, he says, "2009, Obama, Biden, December something..."

The nurse nodded, "yup, he's oriented x 3....but the anesthesiologist said that as he woke up, he grogglily said, "oh NO, I missed the tournament!!!" " I realize he is with it...

Anesthesia showed up...said he extubated easily and was enjoying a very controlled copd, didn't requre any treatments or anything..... I reminded him that massive steroids will make anyone breathe better!!!! Not one easily encouraged am I......

By midnight, Bob is finally done eating and complains that his head hurts...the nurse comes in and asks me, "4 mgs of morphine?' Ichuckle...."Watch what happens with 2..." She shrugs, starts with 2 and before she leaves the room his eyes are rolling back....then he jerks awake...."MISH?!" "Yes Love, I"m right here" "Ok,, phew....I love you"......."Love you too...."...

He is out....I click on my phone and weep silently as dozens of heartfilled messages fill my email and facebook...My heart swells with unworthiness and adoration for all of them...They are teaching me that I am rich. Fellowship is the answer to the question of life.

I shower in the bathroom and put on the soft clothes that Jill got for me...I pray that life brings her joy a hundred fold for what she has done for me....I pop a little Starbucks drink,eat some trailmix and gaze at the sleeping Bob...Sleeping the quiet, deep sleep of a brain relieved of pressure, his lungs relaxed by steroids....his being reinfused with intelligence.......

Thank you God, Thank you Sisters and Brothers in Medicine, Thank you Decadron.....days of not eating, not drinking enough not sleeping begin to fog my thoughts as I begin to drop to sleep...half in a chair, half on his bed....

As I drift off, I realize I have never felt denial in all this...It is our turn....

I am in acceptance.....he's not demented, he's not in DTs, he's not depressed.....he has Cancer....

Decamber 15th......

Surreal. I watch myself make breakfast for the kids, I take them to school and turn the car East to Careplex again.

Bob greets me with "hungry"....He is npo for surgery at noon. I pull close to him and say, "you know what? If I could redo the past 20 some years, I wouldn't change anything." He nods, solomnly and with it enough to remember the invisible bonds that pull us together...and we hold each other and fall to a nap....I awaken to see his green/gray eyes moistened as he looks at me with a tenderness that still weakens me it is so intimately piercing...." you didn't ask for this..." he murmurs, blowing my hair and brushing my forehead with light kisses.....I wake up immediately and my eyes burn directly into his and with all my being I respond, "Oh yes I did.....Oh YES I DID....I went into this with my eyes WIDE OPEN....and I well remember telling myself at 27 years old, that if it all ended in 10 minutes, I would sell my soul for that 1o minutes....and I wouldn't trade my life with you for anything or anyone..."

And I realize.......I meant it......That's a nice thing to realize. That's a nice thing for a couple to share..... We smile and smooch...if it all ends in 3 hours....I have loved and been loved as few ever know.....

1200 Noon..............

We go to pro-op holding. Our anxiety,fear, dread, and sadness withheld from one another...we haven't discussed the diagnosis, prognosis, we don't cry or share grief together...so great is our knowing of each other, we know the other is suffering...but we will not share it together openly...we know, we get each other...just one look, just one touch, we are set free ....

Sandy appears and diverts us with tales of her ex's outrageous behavior and death....it reminds me of a time....gee, just days ago, when it was so easy to laugh....

The OR runs late , not until 3 do they finally come and begin to sedate Bob ....I clutch him and once again whisper the words we often playfully used - often from romantic country songs, "See you tonight my love, and between now and then, until I see you again, I'll be loving you!" Tears brim in his now grey eyes,which always change color...and he murmurs, "I be fine..."

Sandy and I go to the cafeteria...I KNOW I have to eat....I am reassured that I must have reserves, I eat well, take supplements... I know I can ride it out for awhile...I try to eat some veggies and yogurt but can't get anything down.... she must go and attend to her kids, left with no help herself....I hug her and am grateful for such a good friend....

I go to the large warehouse sized waiting room.. Throngs of large,extended black folks gather in various corners awaiting their various loved ones...the dumb sitcoms blast in the background....they remind me of the Italians and Greeks up north....I have a fondness for extended families and old cultures...

But not today....

I round a corner and see a lone bench behind a plant, secluded from the masses...a small corridor...What if he herniates, what if the Satan oozes blood or pus and poisons his brain, what if something slips and he's gorked forever....what if ,what if.. what if....

I breathe heavily, my heart races, I glance up and down and around, and my body shakes with panic and lack of control, despair....WHAT do I DO????? Please God, show me what to do!!!!

I pace in a circle and in complete loss of strength, loss of spirit...my legs buckle and I fall to a kneel alongside the bench and bury my head into my hands...Deep within me, the words and comfort bubble, yes....I remember, and clasping my first finger, the first bead it would be, I begin...." Hail Mary,full of Grace..." over and over and over again.....counting my fingers as beads of the Rosary, rocking,murmuring the chant,.."Glory Be to the Father,the Son, and the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning,is now and every shall be..........Our Father, Who Art in Heaven....." I rock into calmness, lost in a revery of self hypnosis, "Oh my grampa Mikey, be with Bob and look out for him"......." In the name of God, Satan be gone from my Bob......Give us this day, our daily bread.....Please God, please Jesus, please Blessed Mother Mary, hold him...walk with him....he's not done yet......as it was in the Beginning, is now and every shall be.....Please Mother Mary, have mercy on your son Bob.... Forgive us our trespasses......"

The first hour passes......."Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus....Holy Mary,Mother of God, pray for us sinners...".......the second hours passes, my joints begin to throb, my muscles begin to cramp...I realize I'm dehydrated......"world without end..amen....Hail Mary,full of Grace..."......the third hour passes.....

Memories flood my revery of rosary...horrific neuro outcomes... tumors that bleed, brains that swell down into the mouth..grotesquely distorted faces,gorks, and retarded mean mockeries of humans created by our "saves."....." deliver us from evil, for thine is the Kingdom,and the Power, and the Glory now and forever..."

The waiting room is empty...remnants of fast food litter about, the cleaning lady moves slowly,thorugh her long ,exhausting,nightly task of cleaning up the refuse of the human experience in the Or waiting room daily... TVs are now off, pine-sol smelling cleaner overtakes the smell of grease, and sugar....Into hour 4....."...now and at the hour of our death...amen..."

I am going to lose him.....his gentle heart,his strong, warm,virile body.....

I am up, a dull,ache persists, but I am calm...I pace.... I slug water as my heart begins to pound...and now skips every 4th beat...oh what HELL....I put my hand on my carotid..lub,lub,lub.........zipp up my chest....lub.....I'm having pvcs....I grab another liter of water and chug it......the quadrigeminy stops...my heart slows...

Well into hour 4, I stand alone in the middle of the waiting room

The door finally swings open...BrainSurgeon man swaggers in, "All done and Back with the Program!!!!"

I walk closer, he continues...." we were able to extubate in the OR, he is oriented x4 now...and get this...he remembers being confused? Isn't that fascinating???He's on his way to ICU and asking for dinner....and his "hot wife"...."

I smile....."Thanks Doc. Good work...so....its not a glio?" He looks mildly annoyed at my pragmatism...not rejoicing at the outcome,but looking at the reality....

"No, definitely not...but I know DocK is thinking lymphoma...but truthfully, it looks like small cell." .....grimly I smile and say, "Never thought I'd see a day where I'd pray for CNS lymphoma in anyone,let alone Bob!" The doc's face softens and he sits down and waves me next to him...I sit and look up at him, "Common sense tells me Bob has Oatcell/small cell, the smoker's cancer....despite what the scans say..."

Doc McA deflates a bit, and his face becomes genuinely gentle and concerned and he awkwardly takes my hand...."Hey, don't look at it that way...there is nothing IN the lung...let's finish it out...today, Today is a good day!".... I thank him again and head up to ICU...

Oh NO....the commune of of extended Italian or are they Black or are they Greek folks is amassed in the waiting room....change of shift.....Charlie Brown Christmas is playing the backgrounds and they are grumbling about teachin' them nurses a thing or two to be hiding the sick folks from them..

Stupidity....how I vote to educate and control the population,but how I'd hate to work among them....

I interject, "The nurses close for this hour to give all your loved one's information, review tests, meds, orders, assure that all has been done, that there is a plan for the next 12 hours, what to look out for....then they verify the IV meds rates, drips, etc (you stupid clucks,you're all lucky they're here geting 3 hots and a cot and the best medical care while you all reek of pot!).....they are appeased and look at me with suspicion....

The doors open and I find Bob's room...his first night in ICU, he has to be in isolation pending MRSA swab...bs....If he is positive for colonized mrsa, its from ME.....but I comply...

There....in the bed...turban around his head...aline correlating with the expected higher b/p, sinus rhthym, no ectopy....he breathes evenly, deeply....

But there is more....

In his face....I see the return of intelligence........

Saturday and Sunday

Radiation Onc,Neurosurgery,Oncology, the swelling has stopped.Bob can barely walk but he can eat.

The kids are told the news.....Dad has something we can treat...but it does seem to be cancer....

I get an email from school, our dear friend, husband of Connor's first teacher, young, only 46, has fallen to a massive heart attack. I rock back and forth with new tears.

My co-workers are calling me. They fear bothering me, but they encourage me to keep going...no one ever really cared about me...or at least, I never felt like I was worth caring about....truly a screw up...never living up to my potential....except Bob loved me....Bob obsessed about me for some reason...Bob believed in God and redemption because I loved him.....

Jill drops off a big bag with clothes, underwear, soft sweats, shampoo, starbucks and trail mix.....I see God in that caring....she is my friend forever, and I promise to God to drop everything if she ever needs help......

I go home Sunday night....the RCR sisters I've found, got my message from the hospital computer and a fruit basket awaits....will these DAMN tears not stop!!!What happened to my ability to compartmentalize, to postpone feelings....

No, I am present....and I know that this is healthy sorrow....I have evolved in this life.

The phone rings, its Bob - "hon, you didn't leave my KEYS!" he complains...."What do you need keys for honey, you have 4 tumors in your head!" He calmly explains he has that golf tournament....oh Christ...

I call his friend Chris and tell him what is happening....Silence and sorrow in the young man's voice......."I'll tell everyone....and tell him not to worry..."Within hours, the young golf pro is in to visit Bob,bringing books and magazines for him......his eyes are sad and his tone compassionate as he talks to Bob who is in and out of the past and present.....

I go to my room, and call Bob's sister - its time to call Bob's sons, and ex....its that bad.

Jill calls me and says to relax, she'll walk Bob to the bathroom and check on him through the night.

I drive the kids to school Monday morning, Connor is very calm," I am not scared at all, Dad is going to be fine.."....

I begin to panic and speed down the highway...suppose the tumor bled, suppose he fell out of bed and they have to tie him down...suppose......"

Racing to his room, he is munching a second breakfast, spilling out of his left side and he smiles and says, "mornin' hon!" I start to cry and push aside the table, as he grabs a bagel with one hand and wraps the other arm around me..." Iwas so scared honey... I just don't do well when you're not there!" He pats my shoulder, "oh, I'm fine....did you bring my keys?"

I am aghast, "BOB, you are having brain surgery tomorrow, NO you can't have your keys!" He looks at me condescendingly...that same superior look he would give me in our days at AT&T decades previously, when only my lust kept me from kicking him in the shins!

"Now, aren't you getting a little carried away?" AAARGH..

"NO, I'm not!"

He looks a little worried now...oh God, no, let me calm him, he says, beseechingly, "could we drive up to the tournament and just watch a little and then come back, if I don't hit any balls?"

"Sweetie, I already told them you can't be there...lets just be together today...life will seem more reasonable tomorrow after surgery ok?"

He nods, hugs my arm to his heart and goes to sleep.

Meanwhile... 24 hours of Tiger woods blares on every TV channel... In the grand scheme of things, this will not go down in history, but I'm developing a lifelong HATE of Tiger Woods and his usurping of the news for the past day and a half!!!

The doc meets me in the hall, "Well he's back to baseline! Appropriate and he can be up ad lib!"

I go to the nurses and comment, "you all realize that Bob is out to lunch?" They nod..."Yes, he is so smart, he acts like he's with the program,but talk to him a bit and you realize he's clueless! Relax Miss Schmitt, we got him under control"..

Good ole nurses! I note they have placed floor mats and armed his bed exit alarm...

Good ole Sentara fall precautions and nurse sense!

We spend the day watching TV, in our favorite mode of being wrapped up together...we never take that pleasure for granted....we always had a perfect fit...like pieces of a puzzle and for over 20 years have always reveled in that fit....

I go home again that night...we are on the 14th now...the cocky brain surgeon has him on the schedule. Alexa helps me wrap Christmas presents.....I suddenly get the urge to rearrange the bedroom to something romantic, relaxing....Alexa and I order a new sleigh bed with gifts from my soul mate friend in NY...only 200 dollars on closeout ....frm 1100....and we rearrange the room...

As I watch the kids sleep, the dogs curled up with Mom in her room, I realize I havent' eatin in 2 days except for coffee.....I have half a pumpernickel bagel and a glass of wine...oh how I want a second glass......oh.... to prolong the brief blotto feeling of alcohol soothing the soul....but I will not......I will NOT....

Was there a time, I muse, as the booze hits my brain, a time when life did not include a gut wrenching pain that preceeding heaving sobs that shook the body and made the head throb? Was there a time I could speak without tears coming to my eyes?

With a psychic hug to the thousands of people I've cared for over the past 20 years who have known this feeling, and I always reassured them that is was not God punishing them...it was just their turn, and one day it would be mine.

Its just my turn......

DECember 11, 2009,The Longest Day....

I call Mom,then Melissa. They are silent,stammering and shocked. I cannot speak anymore, and hang up and get on the road to Careplex.

A loud sound shocks me and makes me jump, so intent on the road and getting there, it is an animal,caught in a trap?It moans from its inner soul with a pain that would melt an icecap.

It is me. The noise comes from my stomach and tears my limbs from me as my heart feels like it is being pummeled by a hammer...I rock and weep and groan in agony....

I am going to lose Bob......I am going to lose Bob....

I reach Careplex and find my way up to the Oncology unit. The nurse comes to me and says that Jill is on (my friend) and is going to be around all week-end to help

Bless her.

Bob is in his room, I walk in and he asks for food - he has steroids on board to knock over a moose and he's hungry...I smile.....more tests coming.

By 1am..I sit alone overlooking the pretty water scene from the end of the hall and Dr K emerges - GOD he is STILL HERE! "Well good news, his chest,abdomen and pelvis are clean!"

Huh?

I raise an eyebrown, "Its not lung cancer?"

"Doesn't seem to be, not a typical presentation if it is...it IS typical of CNS lymphoma..."

WTF? I don't know anything about it.

He explains its treatable and our goal is cure. His labwork is non conclusive, so we have to proceed with the crani for diagnosis and relief of the swelling....the steroids seem to have stopped the progression of the swelling.

I stop him, "If the swelling continues, if this monster bleeds, if he deteriorates....."

He kindly says, "You know the answer, he'll pass away....or we'll get him to ICU, tube him and give mannitol..."

"No " I interrupt....." No.....his beautiful disposition...his brilliant mind...no, don't let them do that....if he herniates in spite of the steroids.....DNR...."

DNR, blue banded.....the nurses nod in agreement, Dr.K nods and orders me to eat...

Bob arrives from his tests, 2 am...happy to have me there, happier to hear me leave to get him food.

I find the Subway open in the abyss of the hospital....the clerk, Mexican, practicing English,looks at me, "hard day?" and tears (JESUS make me STOP!) flood my face "my husband has cancer"........he looks stricken at the spectacle of this woman in the process of having her life destroyed, and throws in 3 free chocolate chips....

Bob happily munches away at the dinner the nurses brought him and then proceeds to the sub....he looks up at me as I snap his picture looking so bewildered and sweet....

I wash him, give him my famous oral care - he may be dying,but his breath will be sweet - I make myself laugh at my absurdity....he pats the space next to him...I crawl in next to him and he holds me close...."perfection" he murmurs as we drift to sleep....

Its morning - and I'm in my bed.....OH THANK GOD, it was all a DREAM...THIS is reality...I'm home, on call, he's gonna play golf, I'm going to work out and drive the kids places....oh my wonderful, ordinary, blessedly uneventful life....here, I just have to bite my lip....if its a dream I won't feel anything...I'm really HOME, wait, I'm in the hospital...

I bite hard......OUCH.....oh.......oh....its not a dream..... this is real......

Our blessedly normal,ordinary, routinely pleasant and loving life......is over.......

IN the Blink of an Eye

HE HAS A MASS.

"Of course, you fricking idiot...of COURSE its a mass."

I am seated next to Bob's stretcher,my body stretch over him as if to ward off demons.

The demon is there.

"May I see," I gasp out....

I go to the ct scanner as my nurse-angel friend administers a dose of the steroid decadron in a dose 5times the high dose....

Oh, this is bad.

There it is.....

Gleaming and laughing at me from the scanner. A bright orb-with sunlike tentacles shining happily from its center...Shoving his brain to one side.....His brain is herniating....He is going to die tonight....the swelling is progressing rapidly..

I fall to my elbows on the scanner and weep,"OH GOD NO...NOT MY BOBBY,NOT MY BOBBY,NOT MY BOBBY!!" The nurses begin to tear up, Doc C has to turn and leave, Patty appears out of no where, sees the scan from across the nurses station and blurts out "OH FUCK" and falls to her knees next to me sobbing, "oh I'm so sorry, I'm sooo sorry..."

Doc C re-emerges, phone in hand,"I'm sending him to Riverside, I'm talking to McCalister now".....neurosurgery....."Michelle he may need emergent crani," sign here, sign there,

The only one in that ER to have worked neuro ICU, I know well that he may not survive to go to an OR.....how can 2 dollars worth of steroids buy him that kind of time.

"Insurance won't cover Riverside,he has to stay within Sentara and McCallister agrees to see him there."

Oncology is called, Dr.Scott K - oh good, I like him....has agreed to accept at Careplex...he talks to me on the phone, "Michelle, I am so sorry, we're taking him here to our oncology unit, you will like them...I will stay with you and we will figure this out ok?" The unexpected voice of such caring - I AM THE ONE who does the caring and nurturing - not the receiver! I dissolve into tears that won't cease....

In this time as life as we know it is over forever, I find beauty in the pure goodness, Godness of my sisters and brothers in medicine.

But Bob - I go into him, his face lights up like a child as I walk into the room....

His nurse tells me that when I had left he said to her, "She's one smart cookie.....and isn't she the prettiest kid?"......"Kid? How old IS Michelle?"........Bob calmly replied, "25"......."25, you have teenagers and she's not but 25?" And Bob nodded calmly, "yes, that's right."

My mind races back 24 years to the mid 1980's as I race to his desk to meet the impossibly sexy voice's owner.......it was Bob....Our eyes met, and life as I knew it stopped:"Could people see it? Can they see the melding our hearts and souls occuring? Who IS this man? And why am I so drawn to him...."

I smile and pull him into my arms on the stretcher and cheerfully tell him, "Honey, you have a fuzz ball sittin' in that right temple causing you mischief - doc is giving you steroids to bring down the swelling, and we're going to go down the peninsula and see about getting it plucked out OK? And I"m going to be with your 24/7 as your private duty nurse.....and I"m the best, you know that!"

He looks up at me, "So can I stop taking those anti-depressants? I don't go for that stuff".....I burst out laughing, " no honey, no more anti-depressants." Oh GOD, thank you that he isn't getting any of this!

Bob is whisked off for ct scan of chest, and I wander helplessly to the front desk.

Janis is there today...word is all over the hospital - her face full of concern she hugs me and I begin to cry again, "Janis, I KNOW he has cancer....its gonna get him!" She gives me prayer and strength to find family......find family....find family....

I appear in my home....ICU....Tosha and Talisha come out of their rooms, both with tears and surround me as life and what is happening continues to hammer at me....

I somehow make it back to the ER.....the chest scan is up....I see a tangle in the left lower lobe.....they say its scar tissue from his strep pneumonia 12 years ago...I raise my eyebrow...."This isn't a glio or an astro???Then where is the primary?" The doc shrugs, "Its not a primary tumor...its a mets....it may be lymphoma, may be testicular, we gotta see it out..."

And 3 more tumors are found with contrast, two in the base of the brain, one in the nodes off the neck.

Transport arrives, they grin when they see me....then their faces fall as they realize that I"m not the nurse.....I am the wife.

Bob can no longer stand unassisted, he cannot hold the urinal, 2 men hoist him to the transport stretcher....he reaches out and I clasp his hand to my heart, he says, "you'll come down with me right? I have to be in that tournament on Monday, make sure i"m out by then ok?"

Thinking of his charity tournament.....not me, not the kids, not the fact that he may die today.....he is in a good spot, Thank you God....

The ambulence leaves,sirens blaring as they give more steroids and ER is prepared to receive him, radiation oncology called in, OR on stand by.... I hear "one of our nurse's husbands", "she's reasonable and will be a help", "its Michelle's Bob" I hear the whispering, the phone conversations, the consults...

I thank God for putting me in this place with these people in this time. Bob had begged be to let him hit some balls prior to bringing him in.....I was about to let him...even after all these years, he wields that power over me.....

He would've dropped dead on the course....or he would've killed us both in the car.....

Thank God Mom was there and took one look and said, "He needs an ER NOW!!!"

The staff all hug me, and then rush to the incoming emergencies. I wander back to get Bob's things, throwing the urine stained clothes away and look up at the CT scan,still displayed.....

Mocking me....shining over what should be plain old gray brain, what should be nice,God created symmetrical balance...The brain is such magic...and so fragile.

The THING grins demonically at me, "Gonna get him! Try and stop me!" it says to me....It has a life, it is growing and thriving and taking his brilliance and his spirit and recreating itself all over his brain,

I have a moment of clear insight to the cosmic nature of life.....

For I know.....

I am looking into the face of Satan.