May 7th...the end.....

Writing this on May 9th, publishing it later.....

He was mottled and coughing loosely on Friday morning....took the kids to school and called palliative care, "Its over, what do I do?!" She took over, and they said they would have us taken care of in hours....then Dr.P called, said to bring him in to ER..they would scan, if this is "just chemo" we'd treat the hell out of it...if the cancer was unchanged, we'd go to hospice or home tonight....

In ER....folks gathered...the chest xray was catastrophic...was it fluid? Blood? Cancer? The ER doc said, "who the Fuck knows..." I appreciated her bluntness...truly, her sorrow was on her face as well.....
Doc P offered to dump in blood, fluid, bipap.....I asked, if the chemo is still working, it will destroy the blood right? And he's not clotting now....he interjected, "michelle, he might be terminal..." I smiled....I knew that....I knew he was trying to buy time for me....but I've been grieving for months....
ICU called, said to drop everything and send us up.....
My friends hug me, cry with me....Bob's last words....
"is there room for MIsh?" I lunge into the bed and pull him to my heart...."OH my Beloved!!!!! Mish is right here and will hold you here forever!"
He smiled and drifted off, murmuring...oh what an adorable child he must've been, " Well good...because she's my LIFE"........I nod to Michael who pushes IV morphine and I whisper, "let the medicine work Beloved....you are on that golf course overlooking the River.....where you made the hole in one and your first thought was making love to me...remember???? I think your Dad is there ready to t off and Mikey wants to learn....oh what fun you will have today...take yourself there and I'll have your back and manage things here ok"......his eyebrows lift and he smiles as I talk....then he takes a quick breath of surprise as though he's really seeing something wonderful.....Oh God, please EXIST. Please have a heaven and let him be with all the loved ones we've lost.....so many gone Lord...Please EXIST...Please show me you exist!"


I drift off to sleep exhausted, my mind still working......my inner Michelle speaks to me...."you already have seen Him....this experience has show HIm to you all along....his kingdom is within all you've lived through this year..."  


Mike joins me, strong soldier, loving man....and Bob quietly died.......

I don't stay and hug and kiss that body....that cancer filled shell is not Bob.... I join my colleagues at the desk to get myself together to go home to the saddest day of my kids' lives.....

The phone rings, the Lions' organization....a deep voiced man expresses his condolences....then states, "But Mrs. Schmitt, I am pleased to inform you that in a few hours two people will have phone calls letting them know that their lived of blindness are over..."   I got chills, and a rush of comfort...so many people feel "wierd" about their eyes...not realizing they get plucked out/sewn shut or burned....but Bob's would light the way.......Unexpectedly......through fulfilling his wishes....I receive comfort......

I finally leave to go home....the sun is coming up....and I finalize the next plan....
I am donating Bob to medical science......if someone learns something...maybe all this isn't for nothing......

Maybe this all wasn't for nothing.........


Feeling part of a greater sisterhood of women who have been widowed,  I pick up what's left and begin the ride home......