New YEARS EVE! For the first time in my life, my goal is to get the year over with. I am sad to think that 2010 is going to be awful...maybe it won't be...SOMEONE has to be the 20 percent who manage to eeek out a year with small cell! Oh how I wish for that 90 percent breast CA stat! Well, no matter.....I take Bob for his first whole brain....he emerges minutes later.."Is it all gone yet?" I ask...and the whole room cracks up..
I have a good NYE at work, I like my patients, and go home feeling encouraged and have a heart to heart with God, as for the first time in 2 weeks I"m not rocking with sobs and grief...
I squirm thinking of the year ahead..."Now God, listen, Bob has work to do, amends to make, bridges to repair with his older boys, he has young ones to mentor at the club, our little ones to parent -what will Alexa do without him, how willConnor grow in patience and work ethic".......I begin to feel a wash of lonliness and panic as I approach Longhill Rd.
"GOD - are you LISTENING!He is such a good man, don't take him SO QUICKLY -let him have more time....listen...tell you what....I will live your word every day, I won't be so impatient I'll help him everyday.....PLEASE!"
I start to rock, my stomach burns so I can't sit up at the wheel, "Please! I don't FEEL Your presence, where ARE you?!!!! Please help me to make it right!!! Please show me what you want me to do!!!!"
I get off at Monticello....the tears blind my way and I impatiently wipe them and try to see the traffic light...."GOD! I accept your punishment for all I"ve ever done wrong, but PLEASE don't make him suffer!!!! SHOW ME THE WAY...PLEASE!" I turn into our neighborhood and pull into the driveway and collapse on the seat next to me gasping..."PLEASE Father, I promise I'll be good, I'll do ANYTHING you want...Please PLEASE!!!!"
No longer even knowing what I"m praying FOR, I fold over in the seat crying , "Please Father, I'll be good, I PROMISE I'll be good..."
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