4 years and nearly 9grand saved to take Alexa to see Europe after graduation and Recherche ma vie perdue.....ok....not this year....but maybe reunion at GCU? Or maybe not....Maybe a cookout? Maybe not....
By the time I put this on the blog, the story will have told itself...I wish I knew the outcome....
Cyberknife is done...Poof....Bob's limp is gone...
I have a bench in the waiting room where I nap while he's being nuked...We passed a scarecrow looking,obvious lung cancer man outside, O2 tank off as he toked on a cigarette.....through his TRACH! I wanted to kick him over...really I did and then kick his face for his stupidity and nerve to show up for TREATMENT that isn't going to work!! Turns out he WAS turned down for expensive treatment due to his non compliance...I softened...but as I started to drift off to my nap, I hear him sputtering and wheezing into the waiting room, toxic nicotene schmutz spewing from the hole in his neck.....I bolt up and GLARE at Heaven.....Inside I RAGE at God...."OH NO YOU DON'T!!!!!!!!! YOU get him OUT of here NOW!!!!!! I have HAD it with you Lord - and this is the LAST STRAW!!!!!! I don't care HOW You do it, but send relief NOW!!!!" Smugly laid down on our pile of coats.....
"Excuse me, Mr.Trach-Cancer Man? I'm so sorry, but our whole brain radiation machine is down!!! We have to re-schedule you for tomorrow!"
My eyes bolt open......I sheepishly cast mine eyes to the heavens...."Wow, that was fast! Well.....thanx God!"
Meanwhile, having progressed right to acceptance, mourning and sorrow in the Grief progression....I also have taken up bargaining...my Jewish friends know that if God is nagged enough, implored enough, beseeched enough....hey,he can change his mind and have some mercy...so I"m off to bargain...
I've not been eating right...my weight dropped and I"m tasting metal in my mouth...so I"m going to go real healthy on the anti cancer diet (since Bob won't buy off on it, I'll do it for him)...and give up, not just chocolate for Lent, but ALL animal products....THEN , in light of my supreme sacrifice...God will cure Bob.....and fix Haiti too (as long as he's at it!).....
In moments of clarity, I see this is ridiculous, but at the moment, it makes sense....
Mom is knocking herself out cooking for him and thank God she is here......she is doing all for him so I can work....and he's been as sweet and docile as can be....he doesn't play piano or read now....but snuggles with me, watches TV and doesn't seem as stir crazy as I feared.....
Its now almost April...the whole brain radiation should be reaching its full effect and the cyber kicking in....he's not going to work again....I can see that.....he may never really even play golf again....and he never would want that....except, he's changing now...he's still Bob, but childlike in many ways...moments of his old sharp mind...but ......its amazing how much I don't mind the increasing needs he has....never knew the strong power of love...and he still gets it.....
Cyberknife,killer of cancer, God's machine.
Bobby as he begins treatment to Kill the mother fu**ers.And they really are that.
Rehydrating, and poof, his limp is gone.
With Kia, OncNurse who runs the show,our beacon of hope and encouragement.God lives in this girl...in so many people I am finding.
A break in Winter,Bob is thrilled to have completed all radiation and shoots hoops with Connor, and eats a big Mexican dinner....GREAT - just as I've gone VEGAN and have to eat MUSHROOM Quesadillas....ick....But right now, Today......life is goodllllllTo hell with tomorrow right?
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