"Bobby, what the HELL?!"
His face half shaven, shoes mismatched....and for a split second....my God, did he look at me as if he didn't know me at all?
"I don't know hon, I'm just trying to cope.."
WITH WHAT? He's not working, just driving the kids for me, hanging out at the resort, and folding wash...that is really it.....
And sleeping.....sleeping ALOT.....
Zoning out...watching TV with no sound...since November, rapidly getting worse, dear God....is he falling into dementia?
I've seen it. Bob was a BIG smoker, HUGE drinker - 30% of his peers, post retirement at ATT are DEAD in their 60s....
A lifetme without so much as a parking ticket...he grazed another car last week cutting into a lane....
Something is dreadfully wrong......
December 7th - I am moonlighting in the outpatient center, Bob finally agreed to see our Doc, Patty....
I get a phone call...."Michelle, come on down here, we have a sad boy with us.."
He had missed his scheduled appointment....this is the first of his life - he is always early...always.... Patty closed her packed office at lunch and had him come in.
I race up to her office. He is unshaven,his sweatpants are those he slept in,his face has aged 10 years...my heart dissolves from the helpless passion I've always felt to a protective compassion I've never known...."oh my DARLING, what is wrong?!!!"
His face contorts, he stammers for words...Patty gently explains the pathophysiology of Depression (I think, depression, oh dear God let THAT be it, not dementia!)....she says her tolerance for not hospitalizing him is low,but with me caring for him,she'll start meds right away and count on me to keep her posted...he looks at me beseechingly, "I don't want to go away, please..", I cover him with my heart and body, pulling him into me as hard as I can as though to give me heart, and my hard won spirt to him..."My love, I've got you, and you relax, Mish has it from here...."
Armed with SSRI,I fold him into our bed and curl myself around his long lanky body and whisper, "I've got your back forever my love." He gratefully grasps my hand and slips into a quiet sleep.
A QUIET SLEEP- WTF - he is never quiet, his sinuses, wheezy lungs ALWAYS make noise...he gets RIBBED from me 20-30 times a night....WHY is he now quiet?!
PleaseGOD, let me free of this nagging fear....
Something is desperately wrong.......this has come on too quick...hasn't it?? Or has it? Have I been blind???? Have I mistaken pathology for old age, stubborness/laziness?
Depression....this severe, so overwhelming and rapid? Really? REally????
Dementia? YES - I HAVE seen that happen....oh dear God...with a strong heart, this could go 40 years.....
Surprise....I don't care....I hold him closer as he sleeps...I don't care.....
Yes, in sickness and in health.... I love this man.....I love this man....
A flashing memory of first seeing his eyes as he whisked me to dance at a company event...leaving me weak, bewildered and left with the thought that I would endure ANYTHING to look into those kind,loving eyes for the rest of my life...
Yes.... I will endure ANYTHING....I rock and kiss him, rub his back...and whisper, "In sickness and in health my love, I love you always......and I've got your back..."
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