Susan replied, "Because in the long term,we see miracles of healing too"......
To the ER......anemia, low K, Afib, unstable.... to ICU...his pal, elderly golfer post op is two doors down.
As the weekend progresses, Bob becomes more confused....Dr.B shows up Monday..."he needs an MRI"..... I know this....he should've plucked up sooner....I work while he's in my unit, caring for his pal...they are both confused,yet remember the other is in the hospital and decide they should visit.....I fuss at both of them "Can you imagine such a thing?" I scold, "you two boneheads bumping around the ICU,asking the secretary for a beer, and falling on your asses!" I gave them grapes which spewed all over the unit, and we squashed them under our sneakers for days......Bob built a pyramid with is...R stuffed them in his ekg wires.....
The MRI showed that despite crani and the whole brain radiation, Satan was back in the frontal lobe.....
My co-workers sent me to the lounge, and my dear friend A, sat with me as I worked through the next step.....It's over......
I called palliative care who was going to see about hospice.....
Mustering all my strength, I kiss him as he's moved to the regular floor and I go to teach yoga class......" I'll be loving you my love..." he replies, "Forever is as far as I"ll go...."......
I get to Yoga....my cell phone has 5 calls....
Norfolk - its our nurse...."michelle, we've seen the scans...don't move to hospice yet...Doc thinks we can treat..."
Its our Onc on call doc, thrown into this, "Michelle,Norfolk thinks they can help, and hey, you know the end game here....but maybe if it buys him some sanity and quality time with you and the children....I'll transfer him tonight..."
Norfolk again, "We're accepting in medical Onc....insurance giving a hassle, wants it outpatient...."
I blow a gasket......his brain herniating AGAIN , BOARD certifying docs saying they can TREAT.....and OUTPATIENT!!!!! I threaten to sue insurance for 100 million (and start planning all I'd do for my hospital if I won...a pool, a wellness program...I'd pay off EVERYONE's mortgage who was nice to me....).....
And then I went and taught yoga class! Then Max gets a UTI and I have to change his food.....and he's not happy/.
So it goes....and Bob goes to Norfolk, more IV steroids and mapping begins and they move quickly as time is ticking and Satan is growing and having a grand old time.....
I pull up the scan at home thanks to help from Norfolk...there HE is again, mocking me......I want to scream at it, "Leave him ALONE!!!!!"
I get to Norfolk and we watch hours of Law and Order....his weight is falling again....this isn't good.....
Connor's grades are falling. I cannot cope with that right now....he is going to have to cope with far worse.....it is coming....
My workouts are weaker...I hold onto things to lunge back and give myself 40 minutes with VAl and our gang (in my mind) to escape the reality of life....
But OH HOW EVEN SWEETER it is at night to be hugged close to my darling and feel his breath on my shoulders.....Nothing unsaid.....we loved each other completely in spite of our thoughtlessness at times.... the underlying understanding of complete acceptance was ours.....
I feel sorry for the world tonight to not be in my shoes....I feel complete and loved and I know I love deeply....is there another woman on earth luckier than me right now????
And the vegan thing is working...finally lost the last 8lbs....11 in fact on some days..
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