A loud sound shocks me and makes me jump, so intent on the road and getting there, it is an animal,caught in a trap?It moans from its inner soul with a pain that would melt an icecap.
It is me. The noise comes from my stomach and tears my limbs from me as my heart feels like it is being pummeled by a hammer...I rock and weep and groan in agony....
I am going to lose Bob......I am going to lose Bob....
I reach Careplex and find my way up to the Oncology unit. The nurse comes to me and says that Jill is on (my friend) and is going to be around all week-end to help
Bless her.
Bob is in his room, I walk in and he asks for food - he has steroids on board to knock over a moose and he's hungry...I smile.....more tests coming.
By 1am..I sit alone overlooking the pretty water scene from the end of the hall and Dr K emerges - GOD he is STILL HERE! "Well good news, his chest,abdomen and pelvis are clean!"
Huh?
I raise an eyebrown, "Its not lung cancer?"
"Doesn't seem to be, not a typical presentation if it is...it IS typical of CNS lymphoma..."
WTF? I don't know anything about it.
He explains its treatable and our goal is cure. His labwork is non conclusive, so we have to proceed with the crani for diagnosis and relief of the swelling....the steroids seem to have stopped the progression of the swelling.
I stop him, "If the swelling continues, if this monster bleeds, if he deteriorates....."
He kindly says, "You know the answer, he'll pass away....or we'll get him to ICU, tube him and give mannitol..."
"No " I interrupt....." No.....his beautiful disposition...his brilliant mind...no, don't let them do that....if he herniates in spite of the steroids.....DNR...."
DNR, blue banded.....the nurses nod in agreement, Dr.K nods and orders me to eat...
Bob arrives from his tests, 2 am...happy to have me there, happier to hear me leave to get him food.
I find the Subway open in the abyss of the hospital....the clerk, Mexican, practicing English,looks at me, "hard day?" and tears (JESUS make me STOP!) flood my face "my husband has cancer"........he looks stricken at the spectacle of this woman in the process of having her life destroyed, and throws in 3 free chocolate chips....
Bob happily munches away at the dinner the nurses brought him and then proceeds to the sub....he looks up at me as I snap his picture looking so bewildered and sweet....
I wash him, give him my famous oral care - he may be dying,but his breath will be sweet - I make myself laugh at my absurdity....he pats the space next to him...I crawl in next to him and he holds me close...."perfection" he murmurs as we drift to sleep....
Its morning - and I'm in my bed.....OH THANK GOD, it was all a DREAM...THIS is reality...I'm home, on call, he's gonna play golf, I'm going to work out and drive the kids places....oh my wonderful, ordinary, blessedly uneventful life....here, I just have to bite my lip....if its a dream I won't feel anything...I'm really HOME, wait, I'm in the hospital...
I bite hard......OUCH.....oh.......oh....its not a dream..... this is real......
Our blessedly normal,ordinary, routinely pleasant and loving life......is over.......
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