Bobby isn't coming back mentally...and I am so happy. He is thrilled to be next to me, wants tiny snacks and to nap.
We went for Chemo this week.....maybe this one will be the one to take down Satan....or will it take my Beloved down.....
The multiple myeloma man is there today too....he is now wheelchair bound and so intense is his sadness/pain,discomfort, he doesn't make eye contact...his wife is decades older now and her perky walk long gone...Bob is on a walker with me holding firm to the back of his pants, my trained rehab nurse experience keeping him upright...we nap through chemo as always.....3 days.....and the full strength neulasta shot......
But his week.....his wbcs are gone...the neulasta didn't bring them back...no wonder he didn't suffer...his bone marrow is too beaten....I haul him on my back to the chair to sit up awhile then haul him outside to sit awhile...
Then Bob took the notion he HAD to get up to his bed....so I walk up stair by stair with him, he is ataxic, he lists from side to side...his breathing is labored...oh what an idiot I am......we are one step from the top....he stops....starts to slide down, I grab and hold him up as my bone on bone shoulders SCREAM in pain...."Bobby, you MUST get up that stair love, you MUST" He says feebly, "Can't do it hon,just let me sit here...."
I yank him up, "Bobby, listen, you CANNOT lay on the stairs...just ONE MORE honey please...come on I will help you...ALEXA! CONNOR! I need your help!!!!"
The kids come running,we surround him and he refuses to budge, "I am not going to ...I CAN"T" he says with a surprising force......I enRAGE with a fury that his most insistant fight of the past months has come to " I can't, I won't!" I lose all sense of sanity and BELLOW AT Him....
"You get up NOW...get up that stair now!!!!! You go down now and you go to hospice, do you GET IT!!!!! I can give you all I am and all I have but I CANNOT GIVE you the WILL!!!!! " In horror, I hear my voice break as tears once again blind me,my voice begins to drop to a stammering gasping sob........"I can't make you live!!!! I can't MAKE you live! I'm trying ...and I can't Make you live!!!!" I stop myself......I am the most loathesome human on earth....I have hollered at my beloved....he can't......so I WILL.....
The kids and I pull him up and I load him onto my back with a kid on each side and slowly bring him back downstairs where Mom appears... 5'2 with bad joints,she wordlessly heaves half of him onto herself and tsks at me, "about time you let something out honey, he doesn't have our life force, but not for your lack of willing it to him." There's no comfort...I deserve all the pain that life has to give....I don't deserve to live....I deserve all of this and more......go ahead God...I don't blame you....
Bob meanwhile gratefully accepts being tucked in and I blanket my body over his...he says, "You see? I just needed to be up here in my own bed." He snuggles happily and pats my bottom...."just you and me...Bob and Mish....perfection".....no worse for my ranting, he blissfully drops to sleep with a smile....
Home from ICU,cyberknife and round 5 of chemo.This picture makes me shudder..WHY won't this MONSTER BACK DOWN AND LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!!!!
It took me and Mom to haul him from the bed to the chair,and we fill him with anything he wants.Mandy does not leave his side and keeps trying to lick the right side of his abs...as his belly swells, and I see his lfts,despite the chemo and drugs....I know this monster is taking over...and Mandy knows it too and has pinpointed the spot.....
Spring at last,the dogs are vigilant around Bob....The yard is cleaned up,the house in repair....debt paid off in time to pay the thousands in co-pays coming our way....
Peace and comfort..I will keep him thus. He will not suffer.....I think we will not do more chemo....
Can't be without melding myself into him for long...how I still get goosebumps next to him!
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