Bobby awoke during the 4am blood work, and after the nurse left, he gazed at me with that kind,piercing to my soul look that melts me and makes my heart pound - even now...."Hey tumbleweed, get over here," so lucid, so bright, how MUCH his brain had deteriorated, and now MUCH it has recovered without that tumor..." I obediently jump up and crawl into bed next to him - wires and all, and breathe in his skin, still sensual, warm and STILL makes me want to meld myself into him...."Whatcha want my beloved?"......he doesn't make eye contact with me, and I see tears brimming in his eyes, oh god why..WHY - WHY make him sad......damn you god......"What is it beloved, I'll make it better, you know that..." "Mish.....If I somehow screw this all up.....if I don't pull it off...." He swallows, I cannot speak....just look at him and pray for the ability to wipe away this sadness.....he whispers, "I want you to live our dream.....got it? LIVE OUR DREAM..."
"But Bobby - THIS is my dream, lying next to you, sleeping beside you, YOU are the only dream I ever had....."
He would hear none of it....."Live our dream, you and the kids....ok? Promise me..."
I nod...."I promise."He drifts off to sleep..........
Making sense of these past 5 days....
Tiger Woods turns out to be a complete promiscuous asshole to begin with.No doubt about it.
Bob had a large cancerous tumor removed from his brain.....there are 3 more.....he has to mount a fight against it and by the grace of God, we can have some time for more love, laughter, food, friends, and the blessed ordinary divinity of life.
I met Bob several times before I met him....at a trade show ...withdrawn, fingers strumming with nerves...smoking.....devastatingly handsome though.....the next time at a horrible company event...I was always alone, didn't fit in with the yuppies - I worked with the old guys in International Operations....I didn't do drugs, I did yoga....I sat alone waiting for the night to end when Bob appeared and asked me to dance....he taught me to jitterbug, and then didn't let me go...we slow danced to Alabama's Forever is as Far as I'll go.....and I felt his heat matching mine...then he chucked my chin and left me......irrationally in love, bewildered,and hurt.....feelings he'd evoke in me for years to come....
A year or so went by, and he helped me field a phone call...I raced to his desk...in a blue school marm dress that made me look very modest,but showed every hard one curve...he was in a dark 3 piece suit...he glanced up...then did a double take...and I blushed....he sat back and our eyes met with the instant of knowing a change in the heart....
Time Froze....
Could anyone see what was happening??? Cataclysmic smashing of of two souls...forever being joined...and we don't even know each other...this doesn't happen in life.....but it was happening.....and there was no going back...
Imbedded in my brain are the 3 years that followed...life became frenetic activity of professional corporate life, life on the town in NYC with men of all ages appearing at my desk, my gym, traveling....seeming to have it all....but reality was, all I wanted was to be with HIM, life just was a waiting game until I saw him again...I don't even believe in being in love....and yet....here it was....I was addicted and consumed with passion for the possibility of a life of love and purpose...not just money and consumption....
He alone didn't blink when I sold my alfa romeo and said I was going to quit yuppy life and be a nurse....
We got each other....not alot in common, we got each other.....I knew that this was going to end in likely loss....he had that air in him....
I didn't care.
I would give all to be with him forever.
I have never lost that feeling.
Bob taught me to love, that along with passion,there lies compassion, putting aside one's own phobias and hangups to come through for your loved one....He did that for me with his aversion to blood,hospitals and medicine...he stuck with me through the birth of 2 babies and miscarriage....He taught me patience, to shut my mouth and respond with kindness not hostility....to go to work and do a good day's work for the sake of the work, not for advancement....to be a good soldier....
He defeated cigarette smoking only when he became septic with pneumonia in 1999...I promised him I'd move mountains to give him a life of golf and ease if he quit for 6 months....he did.... and I kept my word.
I'm glad I kept my word....he became a truly happy man. I found the extended family I always longed for in my hospital and community of Williamsburg....big insight that what you do selflessly ends up giving the best selfish reward!!!
He plays piano by transposing guitar chords in his MIND as he plays, he is a single digit handicapper at golf....
He is tall,dark,quiet,strong, gentle, handsome,sexy,funny, generous, and intelligent.
He is my Beloved.
2010 will bring him the fight for his life for as long as he wants to fight.
Deep inside, I want to do EVERYTHING to keep him with me as long as I can.....
But Bob taught me that life doesn't work that way...and I will fight with im and have his back this whole journey....I will love him,comfort, honor and keep him for as long as he lives...and when the end comes, Thy will be done....and he will not know pain, he will not suffer....Thank you God and Nursing - I can do that....I will do that...
Dear God, give me the strength to accept your will.........but I must sleep now.....
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