"Of course, you fricking idiot...of COURSE its a mass."
I am seated next to Bob's stretcher,my body stretch over him as if to ward off demons.
The demon is there.
"May I see," I gasp out....
I go to the ct scanner as my nurse-angel friend administers a dose of the steroid decadron in a dose 5times the high dose....
Oh, this is bad.
There it is.....
Gleaming and laughing at me from the scanner. A bright orb-with sunlike tentacles shining happily from its center...Shoving his brain to one side.....His brain is herniating....He is going to die tonight....the swelling is progressing rapidly..
I fall to my elbows on the scanner and weep,"OH GOD NO...NOT MY BOBBY,NOT MY BOBBY,NOT MY BOBBY!!" The nurses begin to tear up, Doc C has to turn and leave, Patty appears out of no where, sees the scan from across the nurses station and blurts out "OH FUCK" and falls to her knees next to me sobbing, "oh I'm so sorry, I'm sooo sorry..."
Doc C re-emerges, phone in hand,"I'm sending him to Riverside, I'm talking to McCalister now".....neurosurgery....."Michelle he may need emergent crani," sign here, sign there,
The only one in that ER to have worked neuro ICU, I know well that he may not survive to go to an OR.....how can 2 dollars worth of steroids buy him that kind of time.
"Insurance won't cover Riverside,he has to stay within Sentara and McCallister agrees to see him there."
Oncology is called, Dr.Scott K - oh good, I like him....has agreed to accept at Careplex...he talks to me on the phone, "Michelle, I am so sorry, we're taking him here to our oncology unit, you will like them...I will stay with you and we will figure this out ok?" The unexpected voice of such caring - I AM THE ONE who does the caring and nurturing - not the receiver! I dissolve into tears that won't cease....
In this time as life as we know it is over forever, I find beauty in the pure goodness, Godness of my sisters and brothers in medicine.
But Bob - I go into him, his face lights up like a child as I walk into the room....
His nurse tells me that when I had left he said to her, "She's one smart cookie.....and isn't she the prettiest kid?"......"Kid? How old IS Michelle?"........Bob calmly replied, "25"......."25, you have teenagers and she's not but 25?" And Bob nodded calmly, "yes, that's right."
My mind races back 24 years to the mid 1980's as I race to his desk to meet the impossibly sexy voice's owner.......it was Bob....Our eyes met, and life as I knew it stopped:"Could people see it? Can they see the melding our hearts and souls occuring? Who IS this man? And why am I so drawn to him...."
I smile and pull him into my arms on the stretcher and cheerfully tell him, "Honey, you have a fuzz ball sittin' in that right temple causing you mischief - doc is giving you steroids to bring down the swelling, and we're going to go down the peninsula and see about getting it plucked out OK? And I"m going to be with your 24/7 as your private duty nurse.....and I"m the best, you know that!"
He looks up at me, "So can I stop taking those anti-depressants? I don't go for that stuff".....I burst out laughing, " no honey, no more anti-depressants." Oh GOD, thank you that he isn't getting any of this!
Bob is whisked off for ct scan of chest, and I wander helplessly to the front desk.
Janis is there today...word is all over the hospital - her face full of concern she hugs me and I begin to cry again, "Janis, I KNOW he has cancer....its gonna get him!" She gives me prayer and strength to find family......find family....find family....
I appear in my home....ICU....Tosha and Talisha come out of their rooms, both with tears and surround me as life and what is happening continues to hammer at me....
I somehow make it back to the ER.....the chest scan is up....I see a tangle in the left lower lobe.....they say its scar tissue from his strep pneumonia 12 years ago...I raise my eyebrow...."This isn't a glio or an astro???Then where is the primary?" The doc shrugs, "Its not a primary tumor...its a mets....it may be lymphoma, may be testicular, we gotta see it out..."
And 3 more tumors are found with contrast, two in the base of the brain, one in the nodes off the neck.
Transport arrives, they grin when they see me....then their faces fall as they realize that I"m not the nurse.....I am the wife.
Bob can no longer stand unassisted, he cannot hold the urinal, 2 men hoist him to the transport stretcher....he reaches out and I clasp his hand to my heart, he says, "you'll come down with me right? I have to be in that tournament on Monday, make sure i"m out by then ok?"
Thinking of his charity tournament.....not me, not the kids, not the fact that he may die today.....he is in a good spot, Thank you God....
The ambulence leaves,sirens blaring as they give more steroids and ER is prepared to receive him, radiation oncology called in, OR on stand by.... I hear "one of our nurse's husbands", "she's reasonable and will be a help", "its Michelle's Bob" I hear the whispering, the phone conversations, the consults...
I thank God for putting me in this place with these people in this time. Bob had begged be to let him hit some balls prior to bringing him in.....I was about to let him...even after all these years, he wields that power over me.....
He would've dropped dead on the course....or he would've killed us both in the car.....
Thank God Mom was there and took one look and said, "He needs an ER NOW!!!"
The staff all hug me, and then rush to the incoming emergencies. I wander back to get Bob's things, throwing the urine stained clothes away and look up at the CT scan,still displayed.....
Mocking me....shining over what should be plain old gray brain, what should be nice,God created symmetrical balance...The brain is such magic...and so fragile.
The THING grins demonically at me, "Gonna get him! Try and stop me!" it says to me....It has a life, it is growing and thriving and taking his brilliance and his spirit and recreating itself all over his brain,
I have a moment of clear insight to the cosmic nature of life.....
For I know.....
I am looking into the face of Satan.
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