Christmas 12/17 -12/30

I am back to work - nothing like ICU to feel alive again.

I am a nurse.

Before wife,mother,daughter...I am a nurse...was born to be one.It recalls me to life, and is brought me back to life this weekend. My co-workers surround me with concern and empathy that uplifts me and encourages me to to press on.

I have work to do. Life goes on, and with the comfort of my peeps, I will pretend to be part of life until I am whole again.

  I go to yoga on this day inbetween my week-end shifts and teh screaming knots and joint aches are blissfully stretched and rubbed out of me in the heat of hotyoga.

Bobby is left with his pills and cell phone...I now break the rules and keep mine in my pocket to await his text messages that he has them down and is ok...

12/24 - Bob's older sons talk to him...he breaks down with each call.

12/25 - Bittersweet quiet Christmas...we had our big dinner Christmas Eve and hit NIne - the worst movie ever.....then a nap on the couch...

We get unexpected wonderful news...Optima has agreed to let Bob get whole brain radiation in Williamsburg at the Riverside building....Norfolk has accepted Bob's case for cyberknife radiation of the remaining tumors to begin late January.

With a knowing of the heart I call Dr.K after Christmas.....

Bob has Small Cell Cancer.....the worst of the lung cancers, and lung cancer being among the non-fair cancers like melanoma,pancreatic,glioblastoma - its fast, malicious, and never plays fair.....

I ask..." 6 weeks then?" He says "oh no......average is 6 months....but since he doesn't have disseminated disease that we've found, he might by more time...."

I count down....June 11, will be 6 months since diagnosis....but really, Bob was sick in November...the weight loss blatent by Thanksgiving...

In my heart, I am thinking, "I am going to be a widow by May,"......
Rapidly TOSS THAT to the back of my brain and cheerfully go back into the family room, "Well we got a name, its oatcell and is VERY receptive to chemo!"  That was no lie...small cell reacts to chemo...because its so rapid in dividing and conquering, it crumbles initially.....and comes back with a vengeance....I know all this....I will not ever say this.....

BECAUSE!!!! Today, we are healthy enough, we have a warm house, a nice day for a walk, Bob got to hang out and read at the club....warm food in our stomachs....

Today looks pretty darn good!

So strong,sexy,can he beat this!!!